I am most pleased to at long last be able to present the second collection of letters sent home by Matsu Mesutsume, the hero of the Battle for Shiro Daidoji among other things, during the Lion's war against the Crane during the year 576 of the Isawa calendar. What you now hold is the first complete collection of Mesutsume's letters, covering the 15th and 16th years of her life.
While the war against the Crane, particularly the Battle for Shiro Daidoji has many accounts of it, both in tale and direct observations, Mesutsume's letters to her father remain the only account of the battle given by anyone who was actually inside Shiro Daidoji's walls during the fighting. I am sure I do not need to explain the historical significance of the battle, where 24 Lion succeeded at what entire armies had failed at doing for generations before. The amount of legends and tales that comes from this battle are too numerous for me to list, but it is also here where the romance between Mesutsume and Chengensai begins, during a desperate stand to hold their standard, and the gate, long enough for Lion forces to get in.
The letters, however, show that there was more to the tale than what has been told. We get to see the aftermath, and from the unique viewpoint of Mesutsume who was said to have been half Crane for nearly all of her life. If nothing else, it is my most sincerest wish that these letters give perspective, and show that even heroes suffer, tire, and have moments of doubt. It is, after all, how they handle those moments that makes them true heroes.
While the war against the Crane, particularly the Battle for Shiro Daidoji has many accounts of it, both in tale and direct observations, Mesutsume's letters to her father remain the only account of the battle given by anyone who was actually inside Shiro Daidoji's walls during the fighting. I am sure I do not need to explain the historical significance of the battle, where 24 Lion succeeded at what entire armies had failed at doing for generations before. The amount of legends and tales that comes from this battle are too numerous for me to list, but it is also here where the romance between Mesutsume and Chengensai begins, during a desperate stand to hold their standard, and the gate, long enough for Lion forces to get in.
The letters, however, show that there was more to the tale than what has been told. We get to see the aftermath, and from the unique viewpoint of Mesutsume who was said to have been half Crane for nearly all of her life. If nothing else, it is my most sincerest wish that these letters give perspective, and show that even heroes suffer, tire, and have moments of doubt. It is, after all, how they handle those moments that makes them true heroes.
Ikoma Masshiro
The Letters
Father,
It has been a long time since I last wrote you, and even longer since we last spoke. I still do not know what to say. I know I have disappointed you, and 'I'm very sorry' does not seem enough to make up for that. At least ten times now I have written this letter, and each time I have burned it, finding it unsendable with the words contained within. I have vowed to not let this letter have the same fate, even if my words only do further harm to how you see me. You deserve to know what is going on.
The simple fact is that I am angry. Though, perhaps frustrated is a better word. These past months, or is it years now, I have struggled and worked harder than ever before to improve, only to find I have made no progress what so ever. I've used weights on my ankles and wrists but seem to grow no stronger, no faster. I am not improving with my familiarity with the spear, nor even finding my mark easier. It is as if there is a great wall in front of me, and I can see no way through, or over, it. It is maddening, and slowly eating away at the control you spent so long teaching me. I feel that I am a failure, unable to stop from lashing out when pressed on even the simplest of things. I truly hope, and pray, I did not damage that student too badly. I can not say what is coming over me, only that I must find a way through it, and soon, or I feel as if I will go mad.
The answer I think lies with that strange tattooed man who bested me so easily. In beating me he did something, took something, that I can't get back. I feel that defeating him would be the key to removing this wall, only he is already dead. Slain by Nikutai Matsu Yohko just moments after he bested me. Just one more way she shows how far the gap between us is.
I need to train more, or else I will lose my edge and waste away to nothing. It seems to take more effort each week to maintain my edge. I never knew being unable to progress could be so hard.
I only hope I have not disappointed you too much father. When I find the answer, I hope to once again make you proud to call me daughter. Until then, I will have to live with the consequences of all that I have done.
Your loving daughter,
Ikoma Mesutsume
Father,
I am sitting here outside of your old home, the place where you trained. Not 100 feet from me is the front gate to Shiro Daidoji, and there, poised atop the wall, are dozens of archers who could at a whim rain death down upon me. It did not dawn on me until I saw the castle that this is what my duty is bringing me to. To do my duty I must help destroy a place that, in another life, you swore to protect. I know you would urge me to do my duty faithfully, without regret, and yet, looking at the castle, I can not but hope that a way is found to take it that does not completely destroy it, as was the original plan. I think my desire may come true, the wheels for it already in motion, though I can not write of that right now. For you see, this may in fact be the last letter I ever get to write you. Written with the last bit of road leading to your old home as support, I wonder if the paper finding its way to you will it bring with it that smell of home from your old life? Or will the smell of battle and death that will happen around this piece of parchment drown out all more pleasant and nostalgic scents that could be borne with it?
I am waxing poetic though, when I have just informed my father this may be the last letter he receives from me. The reason for my possible demise is that when the sun sets, I will be engaging in a fight to the death against a Crane by the name of Doji Kenji. I had not met this man before today, but I know more about him now then I do about some of my squad mates. I fight, championing the cause of a fox wife who was spurned by his great grandfather. The pain of lost love has corrupted her spirit, and bound her to this world. She wishes only to return home, and we believe the way to do that is to end the male line of the one who hurt her. I did not wish this to be settled with spears, but Doji Kenji feels my claim of his ancestor's harm to the spirit is a lie that slanders his family. I can not blame him, were I told the same I imagine my response would be similar to his.
Should the fight not come out with me the victor, I am hoping that this letter will reach you. I have lived my life to this point trying only to honor you, and make you proud of me. I feel I am ready for this. More than that, I feel that I need this. I do not fear death, nor the possibility of failure. This will turn out as it must, and if I am deserving, if my cause is truly just as I feel it is, you will receive another letter from me very soon after this one. Should I not get another chance to, I feel I should thank you for all that you have given me in life. Please tell mother goodbye for me should you not receive another letter within three weeks of this one.
Your loving daughter,
Ikoma Mesutsume
The birds will take flight
As the sun sets on this day
I see nothing else
Father,
I am alive. I am alive, and sitting in the dojo that I imagine you once spent your youth training in. I have been given space, many in the army are not quite sure what to think of me. That is the feeling I get at least. There is so much rumor, so much derision of me for how I look and act, for the actions of others in my squad, my second family, and yet I alone stood standing when the army made it in here. Twenty four people followed a fox into Shiro Daidoji, and moved to open a side gate. Twenty four of us fought against those forces the castles had at the gates, out numbering us at least six to one with even more close enough to reinforce them. Every one of them, individually, a more experienced warrior than any of us. Twenty four of us went into Shiro Daidoji, and there it was widely thought we would all die, a glorious but futile attempt to make possible the impossible.
The gate opened. How? I am not sure, aside from Kitsune Kaori's magics and the aid of that very same tormented fox wife I told you about. The Crane did not notice them, too focused on the other twenty three of us inside their castle. When the Lion forces hit the gate, we were down to twelve. Mere moments later, when the Lion forces finally reached us, I alone stood standing, our unit's banner standing tall behind me in the unconscious but still hand of Matsu Chengensai, a line in the sand before us that no Crane managed to cross. So yes father, I am alive. Though, I do not know what that means right now. I do not feel alive by comparison to what I have recently felt. Perhaps it is this I see in the eyes of my fellow Lion when they look on me. They do not know how to react. I was the weak one, but I alone still stood when they reached us. We were the young squad, brash and fool hardy, but we pulled off a feat that none thought possible. I alone am the only one of my squad that can be seen walking around right now; when they look at me, do they see that deed? Does it seem irreconcilable to them with the image of what they felt of me? I do not know. I just know that those members of our army that are still green seem to look at me with a sense of awe. The veterans...they are much harder to read, but the looks I appreciate most from them are those who no longer look at me with anything but open respect. We have passed through a trial by fire, and remain capable of continuing on.
I again, though, am rambling on. I hope you will forgive me. I find myself still tired after the fighting. I think, no matter what, you would have been proud of me in that fight father. I feel I shone as brightly as I ever have in it, perhaps as brightly as I ever will. I am capable of writing this to you because of your training. Part of me selfishly wishes to claim this is proof you are better at teaching this technique than ever they could be, but I know you would chide me for that. Still, the wonder of the battle is not that I am alive to write this, though that is what I feel most comfortable writing of, but that of the twenty four of us to go into Shiro Daidoji, seven of us emerged alive. Their wounds severe, but not so severe that they can not, or will not, serve again. Among the dead is Nikutai Matsu Yohko; she died well, and as such has forever cemented herself the victor in our duel. I will never match her service, her valor, her honor, or her courage, until I too die in battle. I am not ashamed to say that I am not sure that I hope that fate will find me soon. A better fate I could not ask for, nor do I fear death, but I feel that now is not my time, and that any who wishes to say otherwise will have to work hard to make their view the truth.
I also feel I should warn you, there may be word coming of a man of the Matsu seeking my hand in marriage. As we stood to face the charge of the first 120 Daidoji, and it seemed sure we would die holding their attention long enough for the gate to be properly taken, my spirit got the better of me and I asked Daihohei Matsu Chengensai if he would marry me should we make it out of this. Words said in the heat of battle, I have no intention of holding him to them, but I have never seen Chengensai-sama say something he did not follow through on fully, and his words to me were that it would be his honor. As he fell to a Daidoji his last acts were to ensure that the standard would stay standing, and to confess his love of me. A marriage of romance I know is unusual, but I also feel that he is a proven, strong, and honorable warrior, the likes of which a tie to could only be beneficial for our family inside the Lion.
Finally, I am unsure how you will feel about me after this. I can only hope that you are proud of me for serving in my duty. I hope that you can forgive me for my squad being such an instrumental part in the taking of your old home. It was taken fairly, through martial prowess, and not trickery, whatever others may say. I fought proudly, I fought honorably, I fought how you taught me to fight, and I served how you taught me to serve. I can only hope that whatever pain I have caused through my actions can be forgiven, and that you will always be proud to look upon me and claim that I am your daughter.
Your loving daughter,
Ikoma Mesutsume
P.S. Please give mother my regards, I hope that she is well and that the fortunes and ancestors are smiling upon her.
Father,
It has been just over six months with no word from me, and I imagine that you have grown somewhat worried at the lack of word when last we spoke you knew I was still in Crane lands for the end of the war. I apologize for not writing sooner, but I was literally unable to. Fast on the heels of Gunso Chengensai pursuing my hand in marriage, the Lioness Legion came looking for me for training, and possibly joining their unit. The last six months have been spent with them, training as they do, running as they run. It feels weird to have not held a spear in my hand for so long. The calluses a sword leaves are so much different than a spear, and that was all they would let me train with. I am pleased to say that I did not fail. The demands are high, of the forty girls that were seeking admission, twenty four failed. Still, I was told that I am not quite ready for them. I must improve with both sword and spear a bit more, become a bit faster, better, more experienced. I am almost ashamed to say that that tasted as failure for a while, it is only recently that it was pointed out that they didn't say I would not be one of them, just that I needed to improve a bit more. A goal to accomplish, I know how to reach those though, how to surpass them, you have taught me as much.
The wedding is to be soon, I thank you for the expediency with which you and mother have worked with the nakodo. It is not that I am eager to be wed, but I would hate to be burdened with child if I, or my unit, was needed for its duty and I could not perform as demanded of me. I will continue to endeavor to bring you honor in all things I do, even in being a dutiful wife. Though, being as you have been Lion for so long, I hope you will not hold it against me when I say I wish to be a Matsu, a Lion wife. Fulfilling wifely duties yes, but still performing as a bushi. If my husband wishes otherwise of me, I will of course obey, but I am not yet ready to lay down my spear, and remove my armor, for the rest of my days. There is still too much for me to accomplish, to large a distance for me to grow. Surpassing you is still my goal, and I will need to fight and train for years still before I can even hope to see your back.
I hope to see you at the wedding.
Your loving daughter,
Ikoma Mesutsume
Father,
I trust that you are doing well, and that mother is as well. It has been some time since we last spoke, and the only bright side to my growing inability to do much of anything as my husband's child grows within me, is that it gives me the time to write to you. The winter months are coming to an end, and I can not say that I could be happier. For while it was a great honor to be invited to Winter Court in Kyuden Doji, I find myself wishing it had never happened. The Crane seemed particularly aggravating, which is perhaps not surprising when you consider everything that has happened recently, but still not something that I wished to deal with. In them, in the ones I had cause to deal with most, I saw everything I do not like about myself. The provocative nature, the arrogance, the attempts to twist words endlessly, needlessly so that petty revenge could be grabbed by steel and the spilling of blood where an army had failed earlier. Your former clan is nothing like you, there are some inside it's ranks who are worthy of such honor, I know this, but almost all who spent time trading words with us at Winter Court were not like you, but like me at my very worst. I am sorry to say that on numerous occasions I fell to the bait, pushing back, provoking in return. I may have shamed the Lion, shamed you, I can only hope that I merely shamed myself. The Omoidasu who was watching over me had a hard time, I will have to find a way to apologize to him. I have been told to not worry so much over my mood swings, that it is natural, particularly in warriors, when they reach this stage in pregnancy to experience the full range of moods an Ikoma can display at even stronger intensity, but I do not like the taste of an excuse in my mouth. It does not feel right, you taught me better than this, Bushido demands better than this, and because of those two things, I am better than this.
I suppose I should inform you that the Crane ambassador, a vile woman named Doji Tenrei, offered to make arrangements if you or I wished to visit Crane lands. It is not something I have any intention or desire to do, particularly at her request, but it is an open road for you to visit your old home, if you wish. I would never council you on how you should act, but Tenrei felt as oily as any story about the Scorpion tries to make them feel. If you do do this, please be careful, show her that you possess all that is good from their clan, and our clan, and none of their arrogance.
Lastly, as the days grow longer, and I am told that I can do less and less for the sake of the child growing within me, I feel I should also warn you that you may end up receiving more letters from me. The brush is one of the few things I am told I will not be denied using, and calligraphy is the closest thing to sword or spear work for some time I fear. As I said, I will forever do my duty, but I also must confess a level of annoyance that I am losing nearly a year to practice for this child. My husband is good to me, his family has been welcoming. However, I have always preferred to be in motion, and the last few years I have grown accustomed to moving as hard and fast as I can. To be constantly told I need to calm down, pull it back in for the baby's sake, wears on my thinning patience. The reality of the situation sadly does not match up to my wild dream that a Lion baby would be as the stories say, strong enough to endure anything from the start. Still though, I shall endure, and the mid-wives that have looked for signs have said that my level of fitness will be good for the child, and there are moments, quiet moments, where I can feel the child move inside of me, and I know that despite all my grumbling and complaining that the child is my future, and that I will do anything to defend it.
I am however beginning to ramble on more now, and from the sounds of conversation in the hall my husband is retiring to our rooms for the evening. I will write you again soon Father. Please give mother my regards.
Still your loving daughter,
Matsu Mesutsume
Father,
The child has been born, a boy, healthy and strong. Chengensai seems proud, though with his family I know he is slightly disappointed to not have his first child be a daughter like the Matsu crave so much. Still, as he said, he turned out all right and he is a boy, so his son will turn out alright as well. The Kitsu, however, have shown some concern for the child; your grandson was born even more ancestor touched than I am, a full head of white hair upon him, along with the golden eyes of the Kitsu. Part of me is hoping that he will not endure some of the same hardships that I went through, and part of me tells me that the way to ensure that is to make sure he is strong enough that any words used against him are simply marks of envy from those who wish to possess his level of skill. I understand from the marriage arrangements that he will be, when old enough, going to you and mother to replace me as your heir. I will not lie, while I know I will need to give my husband another child, I am still proud to have fulfilled our obligation to you and mother first.
I am told that I will be allowed to begin training again soon, I am looking forward to it eagerly. While I know most of the weight put on was for the baby, I still feel heavy, fat, and lazy. It will be good to be able to move around, and get myself back to my previous condition. To be able to do more than just hold a spear, but actually thrust it at something, will be a dream come true. I feel how a starving man must feel when put before a banquet, seeing all that they have desired for the last few months suddenly before them, and simply waiting to be told they can begin. Still, the first month will be difficult, my stamina has decreased to next to nothing, and there is still the child to care for. While a servant will be handling it for the most part, as I am sure you know, the first month will also require my attentions. Afterwards, I will need to start working as hard as I ever have to catch back up to my squads level of readiness.
I hope that you and mother can come to visit your grandson soon. I imagine that Mother would take great interest in the marks his ancestors have left on him. For my part, I hope it is a sign that they intend him to be as strong as his grandfather, and as wise as his grandmother.
Your loving daughter,
Matsu Mesutume
Father,
It has taken me months of sweat and hard work, I have pushed myself as hard as ever I did under your tutelage, as hard as ever the Matsu of the Lioness legion pushed me, and I am close to my goal, but still not back into the condition I had before I was with child. My body is fighting it, trying to change into a mother so it can take care of the child. My husband's mother says that this is normal, that many young married Matsu women deal with it, and that there is no shame in it. I told her that I would not accept it, my child is a child of warriors from a line of warriors, and its mother would not be weakened by bringing a warrior into the world. This seemed to please her greatly, and for my last few days in their home she quietly encouraged me to keep pushing harder and faster. I must say though, returning to my husband's side, and to the squad at the Castle of the Swift Sword, was very nearly a blow to my confidence that I may not have been able to recover from. I had thought I was making progress, catching back up to them, only to find just how far the gap had opened while I was with child. On numerous nights I went to bed exhausted, even earlier than usual, as the rest of the squad stayed up talking. I could only wonder how much pity they regarded me with, those who had seen what I used to be that is. The new ones, I imagine, felt my position was due solely to being the Gunso's wife. How cute, how quaint.
I say 'almost', as in sparring I still won every match I was put in using spears. Though, doing so required I pull out the numerous tricks you showed me over the years, and even a few the Lioness Legion showed me could work when one was exhausted. To have won by such means does not feel bad, because, in the field, winning is winning. However, to have had to use such tricks on people that I know just a year ago would never have touched me with their spears were I only allowed to hop on one leg, was eye opening. I still feel as much an outsider as ever here, but it is not in the same way. Chengensai is still the only one to regularly include me when he can, the others keep their distance, and yet I know that at least the survivors of Shiro Daidoji will happily watch my back in any fight, and the rest accept me in the same way if only because all of their honored sempai do as well. Still, I will be much happier when I can get my condition to where I was and beyond, for that I will need to train as always, as you taught me. It is only a matter of time before I win out over my body's desire to soften up.
I will write more to you later, for now I must meet with my husband to see what my duties for the next few weeks will entail. I am far from an ideal nikutai, but I will not fail in my duty. If I can not be exceptional in this way, I will at least be adequate, and ideal as a fighter when such is needed.
Your loving daughter,
Matsu Mesutsume
Father,
I hope you will forgive me the strangeness of writing to you when you are stationed not even an hours walk from where I am, but I have grown used to the custom of writing to you regularly at this time, and it is as much a help to me in sorting my thoughts, as it is a way for me to tell you what has gone on recently in my life. I do hope you are well, I feel I would have some inkling if you were not during our weekly practices, and yet I still feel the need to say it. Perhaps I have grown soft in these last couple years of peace, I know I am not fighting as efficiently as I was during the war with the Crane, though the feeling is not softness. It is more like I am waiting for something, though what it is I do not know. It is strange, I don't feel my proficiency with the spear or my body has grown in years, and yet it does not infuriate me as it once did. I am by no means content or complacent where I am, just I feel more ready for whatever may be coming next, and that in the facing of it I may very well find the answer I need in order to make those next couple of steps. I am surrounded by too many exceptional fighters with a personal interest in me for that not to be the case. Between you, the legion's Spear Master, Chui Zuigaiko-sama, and those in my squad, I do not see how it is not just a matter of time before my fighting style grows once more, provided, of course, I continue to push myself as hard as I can.
Speaking of pushing oneself, I am not sure if you noticed in the time we had to meet around the competition, but I have taken an interest in Matsu Sachi. She shows potential, in ways she reminds me of myself, though she has more of a Matsu's mouth than anyone else I have ever met. I think if I can get past the arrogance she has, that there is something truly worth bringing up inside. I am no great teacher as you are though, nor do I desire to be one, which is probably why I am having problems in my attempts to help Sachi. I push her hard, and back off when I feel she is close to the point she will start to degrade. I have no wish to break her, simply to make her the best she can be. The more I think of it, the more I am sure this is the case. She may be a possible key to my own further growth. Though any advice you could give on how to better push her along would be most appreciative. For now, I am teaching her combat, while my husband mentors her in how to behave socially. With luck we will see results.
I am looking forward to our next training session. Be well.
Your loving daughter,
Matsu Mesutsume
Matsu Noriko-sensei,
I hope this letter finds you well, and your current group of girls working hard in their endeavors to join the Lioness legion. It is actually in regards to that that I am writing you. My own condition is recovering from the burdens of bearing a child, however in returning to my unit I have found someone you may wish to take a look at soon down the road. Her name is Matsu Sachi, and while she is still young, inexperienced, and full of herself she also has an athletic ability that I have only seen rivaled when training with you and your students. I am hoping to bring her further up to level before you take time out of your schedule to see her, but I also felt it would be wise to let you know of her before another unit grabs hold of her. I believe she is already a member of the Spear Elite, though in my unit that should be little surprise to you.
I am looking forward to our next meeting, and hope that I will be ready soon for the rest of your teachings. Walk with honor and fight with pride.
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